As most of you know, I work with a team of people half my age. Literally. Most of the time, however, it's not readily apparent that we come from entirely different generations (they are pure Gen Y, but I belong to the lost generation--those of us born between the Baby Boomers and Gen X; we are called, of all things, Generation Jones, because we are, apparently, still jonesin for our expectations to be fulfilled).
Except yesterday.
It began when one of my male co-workers was expressing frustration over his entire day's work from the day before being completely undone when someone changed his mind about what the client wanted. My co-worker was quite put out over that and seemed inconsolable.
Trying to illustrate how good hard work and effort is never a complete waste I said, "Look at it this way, someday you will have great empathy with your wife and the mother of your children."
He seemed surprised, but interested. I continued to explain how nearly everything one does as a stay-at-home mother becomes undone in a matter of mere minutes. EVERYTHING!
"You mean it's a complete waste?" he asked. "No, and that's the point. In essence it's the most important work I will ever do. But most all the actual work I do gets undone almost immediately."
I take my job of creating awareness over women's issues very seriously, no?
By now a number of people were interested. The discussion eventually digressed into gender equity regarding housework. I respectfully made the observation that most men in my generation still see housework as women's work. Granted there have been great strides taken in understanding the importance of paternal involvement in the raising of the children. But even in homes in which two parents work, housework is still primarily perceived as the woman's responsibility. S-l-o-w-l-y that's changing. I have observed that generally, this generation is becoming more evolved than my generation in this respect. Many mothers I know--myself included--work very hard to instill the message in their kids that taking care of the house is meant to be a shared responsibility.
Just then someone asked where "Ben," one of my co-supervisors, was. Ben got married last October. It has been sweet to witness a change in him as he has grown from a bachelor into an attentive husband.
Remembering where he'd told me he was going, I started to laugh.
"He took a long lunch today so he could go home to do the dishes and the laundry and clean the house."
Well, he certainly knocked that one out of the park.
Bring it on home, baby!
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25 comments:
My friend, the Mensch, one of the golden ones... I can just see you standing around the water cooler, elucidating life for the lot of genXers. I love you. I love this post ... and your last. God bless all the grandmas... and you.
(P.S. Lucky says her favorite key stroke is the dash - mine is most definately the dot, dot, dot...)
The winds of change certainly took place in our home. My dad was never the type to do house work. However, I can say that my three brothers and I are invloved in "domestic chores".
Lead the CHARGE...one boy at a time... after meeting you they become men. So your future daughter-in-laws are L-U-C-K-Y.
So true...about undone...but important. ;-)
LOVE THIS POST! ;-)
I am not sure as generations go forward that the household chores will ever be viewed as an equally shared responsibility. From my vantage point, I can imagine the future and most chores going undone, or hired out. They certainly aren't a high priority in my house (note: I have raised four daughters, all of whom can be domestic, if and when they want).
This is a fantastic post!
Glad you're out there creating awareness.
Ouch! My nerve!
In my parents' house, the housework--in and out, was evenly divided, as were the childcare duties. When I got married, I expected the same deal. Not so much--not because he sees a gender division as much as I can see the dirt and he can't.
Ten years later, I still have to make a list of what needs done.
Things really came to a head when I was working fulltime with a brand new baby, responsible for the housework, the cleaning, and the everything.
I got mad.
My spouse, thinking that it was merely a time management problem on my part, had me write down day by day, by hour what I did. He did the same.
When I came up with FIVE FREE HOURS during the week to myself and he came up with THIRTY-FIVE, he caught the vision.
I am glad in some ways that I worked with Guille while Other Half went to school. When I got home at night he would just complain that everything he did around the house just got undone. Inside I giggled happily--for when it is my turn to spend more time at home, he will have sincere empathy.
Love it!
Ka-Chow!
My husband learned early on that he was not just "baby-sitting" when I worked nights. We've had to do a little tweaking through the years. While he and the kids don't do it as good as I would--they still do it, and I've learned to accept their offering with gratitude.
Who is this "Ben" and how can we set about cloning him for future generation?
I was just going to say, "I think I love 'Ben'" dot-dot-dot.
I love the song you reference in your title, and love the post even more. Hurray for attentive and involved husbands...we need more of those!
(I also love what you said about everything moms do gets undone in a matter of minutes...and then you feel like you just walk in circles all day.) :)
p.s. I love what's on your nightstand right now. I haven't read that book in years, but I love it and want to read it again.
Yeah for Ben.
My husband helps a lot with dishes and laundry but it's funny how even I see this as him helping ME with my jobs rather than sharing the load. Hmmmm.
My husband and I both get a kick out of men who think they are babysitting their own kids.
As for the boy raising thing--I in no way have arrived, but I am trying. Some people are simply more inclined that way than others, I believe.
Sometimes it can backfire on you. My four brothers had to do their share in the kitchen and around our house and then some of them ended up marrying women who didn't cook or weren't overly domestic. They've each since settled into whatever works for them, but I was amused.
julie q. I know exactly what you mean.
Did I mention I have A.D.D. of housework?
My husband takes out the garbage can and brings the empty can back in.
I am a lucky woman. No really.
He did the laundry once and turned all the whites a pale rust color?
But, I know a Ben who is just like the one you described. Maybe it has something to do with the name.
When he started working strange hours we agreed that whoever got out of bed last would make it. He consistently makes it strangely, but I have never commented because I believe he wants me to complain so he can get angry and not do it anymore.
It's a beautiful dream anyway you look at it.
I think a lot of it is as Carina says--sometimes one person can see the dirt and the other can't. I'm here to say we can all be taught. I was the one in the beginning of our marriage who didn't see the clutter/dirt. I grew up just fine with clutter and didn't mind it at all. Hubby, on the other hand, had a very low tolerance for the stuff. He'd go for a while, ignoring it, hoping that I'd finally hit my limit and clean. Strangely enough to him, I'd never hit that line--at least not before he hit his. He'd finally go bananas and with much persuasion on his part, we'd fill an entire black garbage bag full of clutter, junk mail and other crud I'd left around in our tiny apartment. Over time we've re-trained me to be more sensitive to the clutter and messes. Not to say I'm a perfect housekeeper, of course! I'm just a far cry better than I used to. And it turns out to be an important thing for us--studio-in-house, needing visual peace for his work and all. And having a hubby that doesn't do his part around the house is a complaint I just CAN'T make. So here's to my hubby. Thanks for being such a good genX wife!
my hubby does a good job on cleaning and everything...i'm learning to be better at it. i do most of the cooking because i like to eat edible food. but thats just fine with me!
Snort! I agree with Sarah, lets clone the lad!
Ahh....the second shift!! I have a good friend who basically has a rule that is "if I'm up working, you'd better be up, working, too."
I was talking with a male client today exactly about this issue--his wife is stay-at-home. It was exactly that thing about what gets done during the course of the day that the moms do that the dads don't get around to when they're just 'babysitting' for the day.
Here's my rule for when Shazzy has the children for an extended period of time, like Women's Conference--as long as no blood is flowing, he's done his job. It's just easier to set the bar lower in terms of my own expectations, and then I'm never disgruntled upon my return. And I KNOW that when I'm gone for a few days straight he gets it really clear that I'm not sitting around daydreaming all day long.
I am having such issues with this subject lately. I am having a very difficult time getting it through my 15-year-old sons head that housework is important for him to learn and that his chores aren't jobs I just don't want to do (even though they kind of are!). My husband, as great as he is, is NO help in this area. I think he's confused that it's not 1955 anymore! He does NOTHING around the house and, if anything, makes things worse. I have four boys and I really wish my husband could be a better example in this area for them. It makes it hard to teach them.
This is where comments such as Lyle's can make one hopeful--there is an evolution taking place despite the past. The other thing I hope is that my sons will marry women who will not shy of having reasonable expectations or being able to voice them in a productive way.
Being open about what you need from one another (also something I see slowly evolving) is an important mechanism in making a marriage work.
I guess the biggest hope is always that our offspring will somehow take what's best in both of us and be better than the sum of their parts.
My sis-in-laws are still single. Does Ben have any single brothers????!??
I imagine your influence is part of the work you do that will not come undone. Good for you.
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