Talkin'Bout an evolution/Bring it on home, baby!
As most of you know, I work with a team of people half my age. Literally. Most of the time, however, it's not readily apparent that we come from entirely different generations (they are pure Gen Y, but I belong to the lost generation--those of us born between the Baby Boomers and Gen X; we are called, of all things, Generation Jones, because we are, apparently, still jonesin for our expectations to be fulfilled).
Except yesterday.
It began when one of my male co-workers was expressing frustration over his entire day's work from the day before being completely undone when someone changed his mind about what the client wanted. My co-worker was quite put out over that and seemed inconsolable.
Trying to illustrate how good hard work and effort is never a complete waste I said, "Look at it this way, someday you will have great empathy with your wife and the mother of your children."
He seemed surprised, but interested. I continued to explain how nearly everything one does as a stay-at-home mother becomes undone in a matter of mere minutes. EVERYTHING!
"You mean it's a complete waste?" he asked. "No, and that's the point. In essence it's the most important work I will ever do. But most all the actual work I do gets undone almost immediately."
I take my job of creating awareness over women's issues very seriously, no?
By now a number of people were interested. The discussion eventually digressed into gender equity regarding housework. I respectfully made the observation that most men in my generation still see housework as women's work. Granted there have been great strides taken in understanding the importance of paternal involvement in the raising of the children. But even in homes in which two parents work, housework is still primarily perceived as the woman's responsibility. S-l-o-w-l-y that's changing. I have observed that generally, this generation is becoming more evolved than my generation in this respect. Many mothers I know--myself included--work very hard to instill the message in their kids that taking care of the house is meant to be a shared responsibility.
Just then someone asked where "Ben," one of my co-supervisors, was. Ben got married last October. It has been sweet to witness a change in him as he has grown from a bachelor into an attentive husband.
Remembering where he'd told me he was going, I started to laugh.
"He took a long lunch today so he could go home to do the dishes and the laundry and clean the house."
Well, he certainly knocked that one out of the park.
Bring it on home, baby!
Except yesterday.
It began when one of my male co-workers was expressing frustration over his entire day's work from the day before being completely undone when someone changed his mind about what the client wanted. My co-worker was quite put out over that and seemed inconsolable.
Trying to illustrate how good hard work and effort is never a complete waste I said, "Look at it this way, someday you will have great empathy with your wife and the mother of your children."
He seemed surprised, but interested. I continued to explain how nearly everything one does as a stay-at-home mother becomes undone in a matter of mere minutes. EVERYTHING!
"You mean it's a complete waste?" he asked. "No, and that's the point. In essence it's the most important work I will ever do. But most all the actual work I do gets undone almost immediately."
I take my job of creating awareness over women's issues very seriously, no?
By now a number of people were interested. The discussion eventually digressed into gender equity regarding housework. I respectfully made the observation that most men in my generation still see housework as women's work. Granted there have been great strides taken in understanding the importance of paternal involvement in the raising of the children. But even in homes in which two parents work, housework is still primarily perceived as the woman's responsibility. S-l-o-w-l-y that's changing. I have observed that generally, this generation is becoming more evolved than my generation in this respect. Many mothers I know--myself included--work very hard to instill the message in their kids that taking care of the house is meant to be a shared responsibility.
Just then someone asked where "Ben," one of my co-supervisors, was. Ben got married last October. It has been sweet to witness a change in him as he has grown from a bachelor into an attentive husband.
Remembering where he'd told me he was going, I started to laugh.
"He took a long lunch today so he could go home to do the dishes and the laundry and clean the house."
Well, he certainly knocked that one out of the park.
Bring it on home, baby!
Comments
(P.S. Lucky says her favorite key stroke is the dash - mine is most definately the dot, dot, dot...)
So true...about undone...but important. ;-)
LOVE THIS POST! ;-)
Glad you're out there creating awareness.
In my parents' house, the housework--in and out, was evenly divided, as were the childcare duties. When I got married, I expected the same deal. Not so much--not because he sees a gender division as much as I can see the dirt and he can't.
Ten years later, I still have to make a list of what needs done.
Things really came to a head when I was working fulltime with a brand new baby, responsible for the housework, the cleaning, and the everything.
I got mad.
My spouse, thinking that it was merely a time management problem on my part, had me write down day by day, by hour what I did. He did the same.
When I came up with FIVE FREE HOURS during the week to myself and he came up with THIRTY-FIVE, he caught the vision.
I am glad in some ways that I worked with Guille while Other Half went to school. When I got home at night he would just complain that everything he did around the house just got undone. Inside I giggled happily--for when it is my turn to spend more time at home, he will have sincere empathy.
My husband learned early on that he was not just "baby-sitting" when I worked nights. We've had to do a little tweaking through the years. While he and the kids don't do it as good as I would--they still do it, and I've learned to accept their offering with gratitude.
(I also love what you said about everything moms do gets undone in a matter of minutes...and then you feel like you just walk in circles all day.) :)
My husband helps a lot with dishes and laundry but it's funny how even I see this as him helping ME with my jobs rather than sharing the load. Hmmmm.
As for the boy raising thing--I in no way have arrived, but I am trying. Some people are simply more inclined that way than others, I believe.
Sometimes it can backfire on you. My four brothers had to do their share in the kitchen and around our house and then some of them ended up marrying women who didn't cook or weren't overly domestic. They've each since settled into whatever works for them, but I was amused.
Did I mention I have A.D.D. of housework?
I am a lucky woman. No really.
He did the laundry once and turned all the whites a pale rust color?
But, I know a Ben who is just like the one you described. Maybe it has something to do with the name.
When he started working strange hours we agreed that whoever got out of bed last would make it. He consistently makes it strangely, but I have never commented because I believe he wants me to complain so he can get angry and not do it anymore.
I was talking with a male client today exactly about this issue--his wife is stay-at-home. It was exactly that thing about what gets done during the course of the day that the moms do that the dads don't get around to when they're just 'babysitting' for the day.
Here's my rule for when Shazzy has the children for an extended period of time, like Women's Conference--as long as no blood is flowing, he's done his job. It's just easier to set the bar lower in terms of my own expectations, and then I'm never disgruntled upon my return. And I KNOW that when I'm gone for a few days straight he gets it really clear that I'm not sitting around daydreaming all day long.
Being open about what you need from one another (also something I see slowly evolving) is an important mechanism in making a marriage work.
I guess the biggest hope is always that our offspring will somehow take what's best in both of us and be better than the sum of their parts.