Just the other day I got the cold clear message that my blogging activities are not going unnoticed by my children. While they have very specific rules for their time on the Internet (only talk to people you know, never share personal information, no chat rooms or myspace, etc.), I wonder if the effectiveness of establishing said rules is becoming undone by none other than me.
Recently, at a family dinner, I overheard my 10-year-old daughter telling my sister-in-law about her mom's friend Rebecca. I started listening intently, wondering who of my friends she had mistaken for Rebecca. She then went on to explain it was Mom's friend from the Internet and she has these two really cute kids the same ages as my sister-in-law's kids and they match right up with her Jake and Sadie. My non-blogger SIL gave me a rather funny look--like the one we give my mother when she starts referring to celebrities by their first names--which I ignored because I was rather more alarmed that my daughter had observed my tendency to talk to strangers and share somewhat personal information over the Internet.
Now although I have never met Bek personally, I do think we have some mutual friends (or at least our friends have mutual friends). And because a lot of what I've read on her rather frank blog really resonates with me and we have briefly corresponded a couple of times, I would definitely consider her a friend, in the cyber-sense. I'm also fairly certain "Bek" is who she says she is, and not some sick-o 56-year-old man. I think I'm pretty safe with the occasional trips to her blog and I don't mind leaving her a comment or two. No harm done.
But I'm shocked to see that my daughter has observed enough of my on-line activities to pick up on the nuances and even a name or two. I wonder if my actions have been heard much more loudly than my words. What if Lindsay now thought it was OK to correspond with people she didn't know and started sharing family information with complete strangers? Would I be all right with that? Absolutely not!
So now what? Do I wait until the midnight hour when all have gone to bed to blog? Do I wait till no one's home and then rush down to steal some "me" time on the computer? The hypocrisy of saying, "This is OK for me to do, but not for you," is a little beyond me. If I were capable of telling a lie with a straight face I could tell my kids we all went to high school together. But I can't. I guess for now I'll just have to be careful about who's looking over my shoulder. And be extra careful to behave myself when I post. But that almost takes all the fun out of it!
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8 comments:
There are lots of things that moms can do that kids can't. You're a smart mom that has a proactive role in her kids' lives. Adult friends-in-law are different from children chatting with "Mindy from Iowa", who we all know is actually Chester from The Dark Shadows. You blogging with (towards?) a friend of a friend is not the same as a child seeking out friendship in cyberspace. I think what you're doing is fine: the blogging, and the protecting of your kids.
Maybe I'm biased, because I like Bek, too. :)
You have posed a very interesting question, one that I had never considered (especially now that my nine year old is starting to use the internet more).
I do think though it is possible to make the distinction between your internet habits and corresponding with "Mindy from Iowa". There is a definate screening process that most responsible adults take in the blogging world. The fact that I am writing this helps illustrate the point. I've never met you and would not know you from Eve. But through connections of other people that I do know, I have come to trust and understand you.
On occassion, I receive posts to my blog from people I know, have no connection to me directly or through other people that know me and I give them the cyber world cold shoulder.
It's not much different than explaining why it's okay for an adult to drive a car, or date, have a job... there is a certain level of maturity/wisdom that needs to be obtained before engaging in such events.
You're a good Mom.
I was going to comment on your last post, but I couldn't quite think of how to bring the male perspective into the discussion.
Well, well, well. I can see my cover is blown. Just kidding, wouldn't it be funny if I told you all I was a movie star or super model intestead of a Chester?
Good point. The whole thing with kids on the internet is scary. We do the thing where we have it in a public place, etc, but it is amazing how much info is out there. I know of a couple of birth moms that have found their bio kids My Space accounts and logged on as "friends". Even that is creepy. I am not sure how to handle that. I also know that the internet is how many women posing to be a birthmom find couples and are able to commit scam after scam. The annonymity it provides can be scary.
Of course, that being said. You are a mom and you have the judgement of an adult and that is something that is just going to be different then kids. You can use this as an example....you have talked to people who know me and can verify that I am who I say I am. I will also give you my phone number and you can have your mom call me and check me out!!! :-) On the whole it is a scary thing and I don't know how I feel about my kids doing that. That Dateline special was enough to make me never want my kids on a computer again. But I do think that it is up to us to use this as a teaching too. If we don't let them know who is out there and what the potential for bad is, they will not be equipped to know how to spot it. Or is that just a mom who has a 5 year old talking? Is it different when your kids are older?
There is a flip side of that too. Just last night I was talking to my husband about a "friend" that just got a baby yesterday and some of the things that surrounded that. He wanted to know where I met her, and I said she was a blog friend. That was when I really thought about it. I DO have friends on blogs. Some I have known for over a year. I share similar experiences and get great advice from them. I don't know for sure that everything they say is true because it is selective editing, but as long as it is a useful thing in my life, who cares? I have found a network of people (women mostly) that are a few steps a head of me in areas of my life. THeir kids are a little older so they can help me through the "my 5 year old thinks she is 30" phase. They have had failed adoptions and have their children now and can help provide perspecitve on getting to the other side. These are things that I have found incredibly helpful....true or not. So, I think that for ADULTS there is a benefit, but that is harder to justify for kids who are in school all day, surrounded by their peers.
For the record....~j has met Lisa--who is my best friend ever. Lorien knows Christopher (Jolly Porter) from HS (so does Lyle, I think) and HE knows me too. Jen also knows CJane and CK and they both know me (CK might not remember me, but I met him a few times WAY before he and CJane hooked up). There, verified!! And, I do think of you as a friend (you too Jen)
Also, I have always appreciated your e mails and support. I love the story of your neice and the pictures of her hair and just the general info. I am coming out of a very dark time in my life and I NEEDED people who didn't know me to give me that support. The people that are face to face with me every day didn't always need to hear how terrible I felt. That wasn't always the right answer. My blog gave me a safe place to be truthful and get feedback. It was cheaper then therapy.........so thanks.
You wouldn't believe how many people have contacted me to tell me that I am going to h*%^ because I "bought my baby" and I am just perpetuating slavery in America and blah, blah, blah. The trolls are the ones that often share their opinion, so I was grateful for a nice one. I really appreciate your support and hope we can meet someday. Next time I am in Utah, I am going to host a "blog reunion" for everyone that has ever wanted to meet someone they blogged with". We can have a bbq and a bouncy castle and everything!!!! :-)
Great post.
~J: Good point. And thank you. I know I know that, but listening to how my daughter saw things in her sweet little head made me wonder if she really understands that from her perspective. You know...those moments you have in a blue moon in which you see the independent beings of your kids in stark relief and you are reminded that your kids are not merely extensions of you.
Lyle: Thank you, too. (Although if you asked Lorien, I think she'd agree that you're being a bit generous using words like "responsible adult" and "maturity/wisdom" in comments regarding moi.) And feel free to jump in with male perspective anytime. I was really just having some fun with you in the "Fine Dining" blog.
Bek: You are the best! I think a blog party sounds great. I won't even ask my mom before I come to play. I propose a blog version of the Kevin Bacon game--how many degrees to Lorien--since she is my link to all of you.
As for the Internet and kids; it can be pretty scary, even when you have your computer in an open and very frequented room. I have teen-age boys and I have learned to beware--very aware. Because sometimes I'm not home and sometimes they are at someone else's house using the Internet.
But I agree with all of you--I don't think disconnecting is the answer. They won't be able to recognize the Big Bad Wolf (a.k.a. Chester from The Dark Shadows) and be smart enough to run away unless they are informed enough to know they should be looking out for him in the first place.
this is such an important issue to me. My 10-year-old son uses the internet semi-regularly now. Yesterday I was doing a search for free sheet music for him for easy violin pieces and he re-phrased my google search. (And his worked better than my search was, the little bugger.) And my 8-year-old daughter keeps adding her favorite widgets to our dashboards (a mac thing). They are tech-savy so early. We have 3 computers in the house, so access is definitely easy. I have rules like they can't do image searches without me there. Once we were researching bats (how innocent is that?) and up popped a chick dressed only in bat wings. nice. They know how to instant message, and do so regularly with our friend in Australia. The thing we try to do is continually reinforce the fact that there are bad things out there (chesters) and that they shouldn't give personal information to anyone and only chat with people they know. In the way of being an example to them, I have chosen not to put their names or pics up into public domain (at least not very often) but if a person was resourceful and very determined, they could find them. It really is frightening how available information about a person can be! Anyway, I'm rambling, but you're right, Dalene, all this controlling what my kids come in contact with will become increasingly difficult as they get older. I guess cyber space is really no different than any other aspect of their lives--you teach them the best you can, and then gradually let go and hope they make good choices. AAARGHH! Stay little, my babies!
I'm definitely in favor of a blog-reunion. Bek is in charge! :)
Degrees of Lorien
Dalene, you are one degree removed from Lorien. Your Lorien number is one.
Bek, you know oh Judy, who knows Lorien. Your Lorien number is two.
Really, we should play this with someone famous, not me. Like does anyone have a famous brother or anything?
Of searches: Being science-minded, you'll appreciate this. Looking for horny toads. Bad idea.
Of degrees to anybody: I still say you qualify Lorien, because you are my main link to just about anybody whose blogs I read.
Famous brothers? No. But my brother's wife worked for and knew Robert Redford, who starred with Meryl Streep in "Out of Africa." Which leads us to, of course, my favorite movie in the "Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon" game: "River Wild," starring Meryl Streep and none other than Kevin Bacon.
So Lorien, if we are including non-movie stars, that makes you a mere six degrees from Kevin Bacon.
Cool, huh?
I hate it when my son reads over my shoulder when I'm blogging. Drives me NUTS! I don't pry into his conversations with friends (at least not more than I need to as a mom), so why should he pry into mine? Then again, the kid thinks he's the third parent in our house. So what do you do?
I think bek is great, too. I love her blog and I think her comment on this one was awesome. Here's to blogworld friends! And here's to the real angels in our lives. :-) You know who you are, Dalene.
Yes, for the record, I've known Lorien since I was nine and I've known Chris since high school. They are my connections to the rest of you. (Granted, there may be more in the blogging group that I do know, but am unaware of it at this time. If so, will someone please clue me in)
So far, my kids have not taken much interest in what dad does at the computer. I think they have all been conditioned to think: Dad's at the computer=dad doing homework. I'm sure their curiosity will eventually come into play...
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