Yesterday I was talking to a real rarity--a woman who has remained a stay-at-home mom even after all her kids have been in school for some time now. She is also rarity because she's one of the first people who hasn't asked me what I'm going to do now that all my kids will be in school full-time this year.
To be fair, this is a question I have asked myself a hundred times (or more) over the past year in anticipation of this major milestone in my life. But there are several implications in this question and the resulting discussion that make me wonder if this milestone must necessarily become a turning point. The first is that all of a sudden motherhood isn't such a huge job and I have time for something like, I don't know--another career--in my life. The second is that my kids somehow don't need a full-time mother any more. The last--and the one that perhaps disturbs me the most--is that I can't/won't be contributing to society if I don't get some kind of demanding important job. (Like I need two of those?)
Even with maybe 5 1/2 more discretionary hours in the day--the actual time from when I return from getting the last ones off to the time the first ones might reasonably be expected to be home--I still feel the heavy responsibilities inherent in managing schedules, home and finances. And that's really just the secondary aspect of motherhood. The real job--raising kids--doesn't get any easier. In fact, I'm finding the problems get bigger and motherhood takes even more energy now than it did when I was chasing toddlers around. Even though they would never admit it, my kids need me now more than ever. I still need to be an active volunteer in their schools and be present on the first row at every choir or band concert, football, basetball or soccer game, and be there when they walk out the door and when they walk back in.
What bugs are comments like "You're only 40--you still have time to get in a good career, " or the encouragement from well-meaning family and friends to find a good job as a way to contribute to society. The implication is that my work as a mother is not as valued as the paid work of someone outside the home and that I must now pursue a career in order to become a productive citizen.
In spite of knowing better, I still find myself seduced by the whisperings of the world: "Now it's time for you. Now you can be somebody. Now you can make a difference." As if those possibilities haven't existed all along. As I contemplate what's next for me I will try to keep priorities in perspective. I do know that whatever I choose I will find ways to challenge myself, share my talents and develop new ones and use my energy in ways that are meaningful--whether or not a paycheck is attached.
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4 comments:
I didn't realize how much time being a parent of a teenager took until I started listening to my sister-in-law talk about going to this activity or that school function, and driving the kids here or there...I guess I sort of assumed that once they were a little older they didn't take as much work as when they were younger. I'm thinking that's not the case. And that makes me think real hard about whether I will work outside the home again once they are all in school. There will be a lot of factors that figure in that I can't even predict at this point, but I can tell it won't be as simple a decision as I once thought it would be.
That's what I'm learning. One of my friends warned me a long time ago that the most important time of the day to be home is when they walk in the door. She said if you're there then, you have at least a ghost of a chance they will stop a minute as they walk by and tell you a little about their day (but pay attention--it's usually short and in code). But if you're not and you try to catch them later to ask how it was you won't get more than a "Fine."
(Of course the way SSA keeps bumping back retirement age you could wait till the grandkids were raised, then go back to work and still put in a good 20 years before you could retire...)
I LOVE this post. A few years ago, I was at a class at women's conference with Marilyn Bateman & her daughters; the girls talked about how, everyday, when they came home from school, Ma Bateman could be found sitting in a room, reading her scriptures. Ma-B then gave the impression that this was intentional, and not always what she was ACTUALLY doing...at least, that's how I took it. I love the idea of rushing to pretend to be reading scriptures right before your kids get home...is that wrong?
You know, that's what I loved most when I was a kid: coming home to find my Mom in the sewing room or the kitchen or whatever. Even if I didn't take time to talk to her, and I usually did, it was comforting to know she was there. I also found it comforting to know that when I was at school, she was home and available if I needed her. So you go girl! Or maybe I should say "you stay, girl!"--at home doing what's most important to you and your family.
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